TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let us have another location where by American men can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although previous negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: give Every person a suite about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A Trump Tower Damascus VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he need to quit employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Capabilities


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from international traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll acquire three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level may even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel where by my PTSD can have flip-down service."


One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Views within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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